Surprisingly this holiday hasn't injected much excitement, thrill and joy into me, as how I had been expecting long before this.
There are several reasons I suppose, for the first it must be the coming exam in January which bounds to keep me busy revising works throughout the whole holidays. I must do so because I still wanna enjoy my Chinese New Year later without any regret for messing up the entire exam.
For the next let's not forget about my horrible nightmare- I was hobbling to reach this new place half a year ago, and yet I had been too reluctant to wake up to face the reality. And recently I ended up being struck by all the repercussions caused by my own ignorance.
My life welcomed a totally new page as everything would start all over again from zero. It was in my expectation and there was no reason for any sane one to reject it. But I must admit that it seems so tough, so tough that for the first time I realise that sometimes in real life ceaseless endeavours do not necessarily bear fruit. Maybe I have not been as hardworking as others? I know I was wrong back then but what I'm trying to express is I do feel dejected and sorrowful- seeing others excelling in contrast to my complete fiasco.
There have been so many times- after getting my paper back, when I was just about to smile and grasp a little self-satisfaction brought by my achievement, others' even better grades would just always outshine me ruthlessly. My self-confidence would then shatter into million pieces. Constant failure is enough to demoralise anybody. I will not give up in this stiff competition, but for every time I fight back, I find out that my limit of stupidity is never predictable, and this ironic truth is seriously so disheartening- for I always believe that there can be miracles when you believe.
As time passes I think I have finally managed to adapt to this new phase of life, in a good sense :)
Memories are to be lived but not to live in. I can't remember how many times I told myself about this whenever melancholy of not being able to revive the past seized me.
Thank God it finally ends. I guess this is the best way to live out the present because with my current pace I won't be able to be that carefree until I can reminisce about the past daily. Due to this fact to a certain extent I feel relief because at least I'm now leading a contented life- when I do not need to look at my past.
Also friendship plays a big part in brightening up my days. I sincerely feel really grateful of being able to meet a group of people who are of the same "frequency" with me XP
Those who could joke and cheer and whisper and gossip with me when we're all free... XD
And I must say that some of them really make me comfortable whenever they're around. Although it's just half a year, I don't know why, somehow their friendships mean a lot to me, even more important than some acquaintances whom I've known for so many years.
By the way, a heartbreak in friendship ambushed me just a few months ago, and till now, it still sounds like a dream to me- perhaps because I wished that it wasn't true.
That fateful day taught me a lot of things, of which I would never believe that they are indisputably true- until I saw everything, with my own eyes.
I once regretted for being chosen to know the cruel truth. I'd rather not to know anything, just let us be who we are, no different from the beginning until now.
But I can't do that. For all the things done by that particular person, my reverence for an honourable icon who was used to provide spiritual enlightenment in my life; who was used to inspire me in order to transcend the cultural barrier in my life...
I feel so sorry about this, but I can't cheat myself- I have really used up my respect to him.
How on earth I'm going to tell the world? That I've been in a dilemma I'll never wish to face- to treat if nothing has ever happened and continue this friendship, or to walk away and call it an end?
Predestined...
