Sorrows Underneath

Finally I'm on holidays again... after a few months, without realising it.

Surprisingly this holiday hasn't injected much excitement, thrill and joy into me, as how I had been expecting long before this.

There are several reasons I suppose, for the first it must be the coming exam in January which bounds to keep me busy revising works throughout the whole holidays. I must do so because I still wanna enjoy my Chinese New Year later without any regret for messing up the entire exam.

For the next let's not forget about my horrible nightmare- I was hobbling to reach this new place half a year ago, and yet I had been too reluctant to wake up to face the reality. And recently I ended up being struck by all the repercussions caused by my own ignorance.

My life welcomed a totally new page as everything would start all over again from zero. It was in my expectation and there was no reason for any sane one to reject it. But I must admit that it seems so tough, so tough that for the first time I realise that sometimes in real life ceaseless endeavours do not necessarily bear fruit. Maybe I have not been as hardworking as others? I know I was wrong back then but what I'm trying to express is I do feel dejected and sorrowful- seeing others excelling in contrast to my complete fiasco.

There have been so many times- after getting my paper back, when I was just about to smile and grasp a little self-satisfaction brought by my achievement, others' even better grades would just always outshine me ruthlessly. My self-confidence would then shatter into million pieces. Constant failure is enough to demoralise anybody. I will not give up in this stiff competition, but for every time I fight back, I find out that my limit of stupidity is never predictable, and this ironic truth is seriously so disheartening- for I always believe that there can be miracles when you believe.

As time passes I think I have finally managed to adapt to this new phase of life, in a good sense :)

Memories are to be lived but not to live in. I can't remember how many times I told myself about this whenever melancholy of not being able to revive the past seized me.

Thank God it finally ends. I guess this is the best way to live out the present because with my current pace I won't be able to be that carefree until I can reminisce about the past daily. Due to this fact to a certain extent I feel relief because at least I'm now leading a contented life- when I do not need to look at my past.

Also friendship plays a big part in brightening up my days. I sincerely feel really grateful of being able to meet a group of people who are of the same "frequency" with me XP

Those who could joke and cheer and whisper and gossip with me when we're all free... XD

And I must say that some of them really make me comfortable whenever they're around. Although it's just half a year, I don't know why, somehow their friendships mean a lot to me, even more important than some acquaintances whom I've known for so many years.

By the way, a heartbreak in friendship ambushed me just a few months ago, and till now, it still sounds like a dream to me- perhaps because I wished that it wasn't true.

That fateful day taught me a lot of things, of which I would never believe that they are indisputably true- until I saw everything, with my own eyes.

I once regretted for being chosen to know the cruel truth. I'd rather not to know anything, just let us be who we are, no different from the beginning until now.

But I can't do that. For all the things done by that particular person, my reverence for an honourable icon who was used to provide spiritual enlightenment in my life; who was used to inspire me in order to transcend the cultural barrier in my life...

 I feel so sorry about this, but I can't cheat myself- I have really used up my respect to him.

How on earth I'm going to tell the world? That I've been in a dilemma I'll never wish to face- to treat if nothing has ever happened and continue this friendship, or to walk away and call it an end?

Predestined...

Unknown

悠悠晃晃，又是一年了。
回顾2011年，总觉得没有多少令我刻骨铭心的回忆。
思前想后，比较像样的成就，无非就是取得了那张带领我搭上人生的另一班列车的票根——然而说到底，还不过就是那一纸文凭。
而在如今看来，我的这一张入场券，也不过属于用后即丢的一次性用品。

猛然醒悟自己在虚无的巅峰上活了十八年。
长久以来都驻守那弹丸之地，不曾深深怀疑及否定过自我存在的价值，一直都认为自己的实力及潜力无可限量——只要我愿意肯定。
在众人的赞叹及崇拜当中游刃有余，习惯了承当替人解答的角色…我真的相信自己的人生会如此一帆风顺下去——只要我愿意努力。
此时此刻，我真的觉得当时那个被狭隘的“自我”所束缚、把自己的地盘以外的世界想得太简单的我，实在是狂傲、蠢钝、悲哀至极。

踏足另一片土地以后，“昔日的我”就注定要经历“脱胎换骨”的艰辛过程。
虽然从选择这一条路的那一刻起，我就不断地告诉自己这将会是一个崭新的命运漩涡，一定要做好“一切从零开始”的心理准备。
我认为我真的做好了心理准备，没想到我的功夫在无常多变的现实面前是那么地微不足道。
自此以后，各种“第一次”接踵而来：第一次体验不断当大众脸的滋味；第一次活在众高手的影子下；第一次了解到自己引以为荣的“成就”不过是为了衬托其他更耀眼的功名而生；第一次无法突破扮演发问者的死角……

突然觉得往日那个有资格笑傲群雄的我是多么地高不可攀了。
突然发现那一切令我引以为傲的荣耀早已泯灭在遥不可及的从前。

我不知道哪里有我容身之处。
我只知道我是个渺小的人，渺小得看不清未来也无法回望昨天。
我心永恒，但前方路茫茫……

Forever...

A month flew by... I was on my way to Tangkak, Johor right now, back then.

That was an unexpected trip, why do I call it 'unexpected'? Because no one could expect somebody as in my shoes to head for that 'third class choice'.

But somehow I still went on.

And secretly, I should have known what keeps me down here.

Time is really out of my control since 2011......

Everything seems different- there're changes everyday, everywhere that I just gotta accept them as a fact.

I couldn't fathom...... I'm still being trapped down my memory lane.

Ah...... why are you unsatisfied still? Isn't that getting such treats that you do not deserve... should be able to keep you grateful forever?

I never deny... it'll cause me too heartsick to deny...

But how shall I describe... the sin.

From the moment I chose to go on this forbidden path... I should have been meticulous enough to drive myself balanced...

But I fell too deep... and sick...

Regrets? They'd be if I never met you in my life.

Years have passed by... My heart, my faith and I myself am still the same-

I never set my eyes on others as long as time is still flowing silently...

You might forget me one day but my promise will keep you in my heart and mind always...

For this is a promise I've made since time memorial, it'll accompany me until the end...

半年……

弹指瞬间……半年翩翩而过。
这是平淡无华的一年……
没有你我之间层出不穷的趣事、不再闹哄哄地上课、少了日复一日不停“折磨”我们的功课和考试。
还是不怎么习惯……尤其是回溯“尘封已久”的记忆之时。
是不想去扰乱那清澈沉静的灵魂……
我不愿让过多世俗的牵挂及奢想玷污了这种种最唯美的回忆，
故不断地在过去与现在之间徘徊……
选择性地遗忘……记起……又遗忘……又记起……

在2011年里唯一让我感到喜悦的转变应该就是“人与人之间的相遇”了吧？
从虚无的网络世界……到JPA面试……再来最近刚刚逃离的KMJ，还真结交了不少来自五湖四海的兄弟^^
(水浒传色彩好浓……但愿能越来越有英雄气概……）
提起那个人间炼狱……走了地狱一回，对人生真的还有了另一番新的体会。
在那儿虽然身为少数分子，但在万人之中却受到“不符身份”的爱戴与招待。
不管是什么族群……总有好人与坏人。
我从来都不相信凭单一界线划分全人类的狭隘说法。
总而言之，那里的人都很友善，虽然凡事总会有例外，但大体上来说，他们还真的些许感动了我。
食物方面也算顶级的了（去除价钱算法的因素后）……
宿舍？还OK咯……总不能要求有酒店的水准吧……
但说到校规和教育系统！！！它们就是直接引爆本人大脑神经的地雷，因此我才会收拾包袱飞回居林……
（欲知更多详情可直接向本人查询XD）

怎么说都好……我还是在那儿待了两个星期……
这段时间说长不长说短也不短……竟然能够认识了一大班人呀~
而且不是全都是点头之交，有些的感觉上比和我同班了五年的人还FRIEND……真是奇怪……
但本人终究是个过客……
从一开始我就不像是属于那里的人……或许是心理上已经有了种“后路就在你脚下”的自我意识催眠吧。
和那里要说有缘又不像是……
是啊……我走了之后又有什么分别呢？
不多不少不增不减——宛如悄悄停下脚步歇息之后又擦肩而过。
过客，真的是过客。
应该不曾在那里留下任何的回忆……但这样很不正常，也很无情。
大家都还好吧？谁还记得曾经有过这个我？
或许只有那不停的脚步……

Doomsday 2012

每一天，都要活得像在这世上的最后一天，因为这样才不会留下遗憾。
该做的事，也会比较积极完成了；该说的话，也会比较勇敢表达了——因为若再拖延等待下去，就没有机会做了。

所以说呢，世界末日2012其实根本就不是什么坏事。
反之，我认为它分明就是上天赐予全人类的一大福音呀！
人们如此害怕末日来临，无非是害怕死亡与毁灭而已。
依我看来，这两者可谓是微不足道。
首先，死亡是大家的事，不分你我、种族、宗教、国籍、政见、贫富……可谓是空前绝后的全人类大团结！
再也没有比这更平等的事了，不是吗？
人人生来平等——当世界终于第一次真正地公平对待每一个人了，我们不是应该感到高兴才对吗？
终于从这无止尽的痛苦中解脱了，为什么我们要惶惶不可终日呢？

其次，毁灭也只不过是早晚的事。
试问世间万物有什么能永垂不朽？
英雄佳人？金银珠宝？功名成败？神话传奇？
终究都将泯灭在浩瀚史海中……
那么历史就能永垂不朽吗？
对不起，我忘了，我们这混沌的世界，还需要历史吗？
我们就是一个如此不文明的黑暗时代，莫让我们的邪恶无知玷污了史册的圣洁——让历史沉睡吧。
或许有些人想到自己多年来努力打拼、呕心沥血建立起来的成功人生就将毁于一旦，感到非常地不甘心。
但诚如我所说，又有什么能够永垂不朽呢？
若非世界末日，他日蒙主召唤之时，难道我们就带得走这一切吗？
还不是得撇下一切离去！
所以2012的降临，让大家一同、一同摒弃一切，就不会有什么担忧、嫉妒他人活在这世上的时间比自己长久的问题产生了。
因为这一切一切，怎会有放不下的那一天？

真的，期待2012末日的到来。
因为是它教会我们更积极完成心中所想、活出自己、不让这稍纵即逝的人生留下遗憾——即使有，也不过是那小小的、美丽的遗憾。

Save Me......

Tak pernah kusangka bahawa "masa depan" menjadi mimpi buruk yang terlalu ngeri sekali bagi diri ini.
Nampaknya saya terpaksa, terpaksa menjadi sesuatu makhluk asing pada hari muka.
Apa nak buat? Saya langsung tak ada idea... dan tiada sebarang penyelesaian juga melainkan terima nasib.
Terlalu banyak fikiran, keluhan dan rungutan ingin saya katakan tapi nak buat macam mana... tiada sesiapa pun yang akan memahami saya.

Sebenarnya saya pun sedar bahawa perangai diri telah pun berubah sejak meninggalkan sekolah.
Kebanyakan masa telah dihabiskan secara seorang, jarang-jarang bersembang dengan kawan-kawan yang amat rapat seketika dahulu.
Mungkin? Sayalah individu yang telah berubah tetapi entah kenapa...
Mungkin? Saya enggan sentuh tentang perkara yang mengenang-mengenangkan masa sekolah- sesuatu harta karun yang tidak ternilai bagi saya.
Masa yang telah berlalu tidak akan berulang kembali lagi dan kenyataan yang terlalu kejam ini menyakitkan hati.
Dan mungkin tanpa kesedaran saya dah jadi sebegini...... agar kesedihan tidak ditimbulkan.
Memang saya takut bahawa ingatan diri ini menjadi lemah setelah lama meninggalkan sesuatu... tak kiralah ilmu yang dipelajari, setiap individu kesayangan ataupun memori indah.
Oh... ya gerak hati saya mengatakan bahawa 2bahasa, iaitu BC dan BM yang telah menemani saya lebih daripada 10 tahun akan dipinggirkan setelah mengembara ke tanah asing.
Maklumlah... selepas SPM pun saya dah lupa sebahagian besar ilmu pengetahuan yang seketika kukuh terpahat dalam ingatan. Betapa tragiknya.
Apatah lagi hidup di sebuah negara asing buat 2, 3 tahun? Janganlah beritahu saya kemampuan berbahasa/berkomunikasi dalam sesuatu bahasa tak akan hilang...
Saya tak nafikan kemungkinan ini tetapi, saya yakin penguasaan diri terhadap kedua-dua bahasa ini pasti merosot dengan teruk sekali- tragedi.
Cuma saya tahu inilah luahan hati sebenar saya sedangkan kebanyakan manusia di sekeliling pasti berasa lucu selain teringin hendak mengejek-ejekkan, mengkritik ataupun 'mengubahkan fikiran saya yang bermasalah'.
Jadi menghargai ilmu dan mempertahankan tamadun dianggap berdosa?
Saya tak kira. Inilah prinsip saya sampai ke bila-bila masa.

Saya rasa impian sebenar saya terpaksa diketepikan buat sesuatu tempoh yang agak panjang......
10 tahun kemudian? Oh adakah saya masih berpeluang? Pada masa itu mungkin saya pun tak wujud dalam dunia ini lagi... siapa yang akan tahu? Ataupun dunia ini sudah pun musnah seperti yang diceritakan dalam ramalan hari kiamat 2012? Doomsday?
Saya terasa nak ikut takdir tapi tak puas hati pula...... saya cukup kecewa akan diri yang langsung tidak berharapan dan terlalu menghampakan ini...... setiap kali teringat akan hari muka cuma runsing, runsing dan runsing.
Dan sekiranya saya dikurniai satu harapan sekarang, saya ingin kembali ke zaman persekolahan saya yang tiada sebarang risauan tetapi penuh dengan peperiksaan, kerja rumah, pergaulan dengan kawan serta cikgu dan waktu pembelajaran yang cukup gembira......

Leave it to God!

One more friend is on her way to Kuala Lumpur now...

Perhaps she has already dozed off in the bus, and foreseeing a new life in her dream right now.

So almost everyone has left this place... which has lots of our unforgettable memories within its heart core...

Every bit of the moments that we've been through all along this way...

I do miss the good old days so much that no one could ever imagine how deep my feeling is...

Especially recently when the people around start leaving one after one, venturing into a whole new world in hope to grasp the uncertainties of each future... to make it realistic?

But future is never predictable... it is unrealistic eternally......

My mind has turned into a hotch-potch for quite a long time and I'm sure that my tranquil days are yet to arrive, maybe an entrance into any type of tertiary education/ institution will call an end for this trouble?

Leave it to God for I'm just an ordinary human......

无题

只放在心中挂念……难道也算是一种罪过？

My Way

人的心…是无法被下达命令的。

我很庆幸自己终究以理智战胜了肩上的压力。

再见了，万千学子拼得筋疲力尽、争得头破血流也要得到的JPA奖学金。

从2011年度的JPA海外奖学金科系名单映入眼帘的第一刻开始，

就从来没有哪个科系让我有着一生相随的感觉。

前方之路的轮廓，也并没有因为看完了那一份名单后而瞬间清晰起来。

倘若是去年，SOCIAL SCIENCE（人文科学系）肯定会是我紧抓住不放的选择；

但在今年的名单中，它已消失得无影无踪。

算了吧，我也不奢望自己能够不顾一切地朝着自己真实的心意前进。

每当提起学习历史的这个白日梦，就是让自己全身的细胞多死一些的愤懑时刻。

唇枪舌剑是刚开始的选择，随着时间的流逝沉默与冷笑取代了我最初的愤怒。

有些人，有些事，真的还是永远放在那儿不动就好；

若尝试去改变他们的思维，或许你竭尽了全身的每一滴血液也无济于事—对不起，你的这条命就这样白白地成为了残酷的世道人情的牺牲品。

哦…从来没有忘记3 IDIOTS带给我的灵感与启发…

我永远不会忘记是它带给了我无穷的勇气与希望去继续守护着我的梦想；

是它让我感受到世间的每一个人，都有着同等的机会创造出属于自己的奇迹。

奇迹是多么地真实…我每看一遍，都无法自制地为3个主角追梦的心路历程感动流泪。

曾经想过就让这份理想泯灭在泛黄的回忆中吧…

但我的人生不应该就只是这样！我无法扼杀心中的希望，但，人生来就无处不在枷锁之中。

虽然这段旅程…将被保留到未来的某一天才完完全全地开始。

Oh I kept this for another day... yet I'll surely come back someday.

这不代表放弃…我绝不会认输—这是另一种形式的追梦……

看吧…FARHAN错过了人生的第一个分岔口，但他不曾忘却初心…

正因如此他才得以在第二个分岔口重新活出自己，一手打造出完全属于自己的人生。

此生无憾的诠释……应该就是如此了吧。

啊……是的……我也会是这样的……我会在不远处转弯……我一定会的……

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth

Robert Frost is far better than me... He has roads in front for him to make a choice. But I simply don't have any.

Life ahead seems aimless and I totally have no idea about where my future is. And I wonder, does my "future" exist?

Then took the other, as just as fair.
And having perhaps the better claim, 
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

I was so innocent to think that I could be another Farhan one day. No matter what he remains my hero always together with Rancho and Raju. 3 Idiots has injected the most inspiration and hope of which I can ever get into my life. 

I'm so upset with myself that I don't have even half of Farhan's determination and strong will power. 

Forgive me my heroes...... your so-called fans never endeavours to live out her life as you all have stunned the world. I've disappointed you all.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

Goodbye history? NO!!! Never, never say goodbye!!! 

Till now it's still the only thing of which I hold no doubt and worries to study for life. 

Law? Oh yeah most of the people would think that this suits me seriously. My family just seemed so damn relief seeing that I finally relinquished this stupid history option after being preached for such a long long time. 

Once upon a time I was used to think that I can accept it but after attending the JPA interview yesterday, sense of regret has been haunting me. I'm just so afraid that this decision is going to ruin my whole life ahead. My strong intuition tells me that I won't be happy for the next 5 or more years with this abrupt decision sticking to my life. 

Engineering? Seems appealing. But I think that I'm attracted by it because of the 2 countries that I love the most, e.g. Germany and France. I shouldn't be that irrational I know, I know! I think that's why I forwent it, although I have a better idea of what kind of future I might have with this option instead of law.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence;

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

From the very first moment I had the very first thought of having history as the "choice for a lifetime", I foresaw all the suffering and ordeals that I'm going to face all along my way. And yes, I'm absolutely right.

I can't remember the last time making futile attempts to change the perception that studying history doesn't make life doomed. Sarcasm has since then become my best weapon in face of such contorted version of truth.

I will undoubtedly sigh for a countless time... no matter how long it has passed then. Oh the secured future... if I really force myself into such pathetic way it would be tantamount to killing my own life. But what can I do other than that? 

What an irony... where has miracle gone in my hardest time? There can be miracles when you believe...... I feel like crying to hear these soul-touching words now.

To be stuck in the dilemma as Robert Frost did is simply a luxury to me, just because the road I wanna travel does not even exist in reality, it only came to me in my little dream.
Robert, you're my hero who defines miracle.

Ermmm......

14 April 2011 tentulah bukan hari yang dinanti-nantikan......
Temu duga JPA di USM Penang...
Susah nak komen... saya pun tak tau apa yang patut saya cakap...
Cuma berpendapat bahawa... segala-galanya sudah pun ditentukan, tak kira apa jua tetap akan saya terima dengan reda.
Sudah suratan...... biar apa-apa pun terjadi, tetap saya gembira.
Kenapa nak susah hati atas sesuatu yang ditakdirkan bukan kepunyaan kamu...
Kadang-kala saya rasa bahawa adalah lebih baik sekiranya saya cuma mampu memperoleh tawaran JPA dalam negara...
Maka dapatlah saya menumpukan perhatian terhadap cara kehidupan yang telah lama dipraktikkan dan usah risau akan segala perubahan yang akan melanda tatacara hidup apabila pergi ke luar negara nanti bagi sesuatu tempoh yang agak panjang.
Keberatan juga untuk "mengetepikan" dua bahasa yang telah lama dipelajari... tentulah BI menjadi bahasa utama semasa berada di perantauan.
Mungkinkah suatu hari nanti, setelah kembali ke tanah air ini, saya menggagap apabila bertutur kata dalam BC atau BM?
Seolah-olah manusia tanpa jiwa nurani......
Cuma mampu mengekalkan penguasaan bahasa saya tanpa berhenti dalam kehidupan seharian... yakni usaha yang tengah lakukan ini (salah satunya).
Entahlah... mana haluan diri ini pada hari muka...... memang berharaplah masih berada di sekolah......

Ultimate Stupidity

Never underestimate the stupidity of idiots......

The most prosaic yet offensive words struck my heart so deeply at the moment they came into my sight.
My blood pressure rose like the lava that was about to erupt from the most scorching hot volcano in this world.
It turned out that the unruly mob were straining their every nerve and sinew to slander one of the most honourable men I've ever met, oh and I have to apologise for my incapability to use a word (honourable is actually not so suitable for his character) which can sum him up in the best and most suitable way.
The main character seemed yet to realise his own fault and he had already started to muster all the forces he could ever get, in order to "overthrow the tyrant who had been tormenting souls and trampling on human rights".
WOW!!! What a noble battle!!! What an honourable revolution!!!
I've never witnessed any desire of change as meaningful as this since The French Revolution 1789.
For the next moment I was about to cry... tears of anger.
Being the most ignorant morons in this universe they're too, too innocent to think that their noble passion is enough to drive them on their pilgrimage.
I just hope that they aren't going to compare themselves with the all-time great leaders like Mathama Gandhi, Martin Luther King or any other icon which sounds way too civilised for the barbarians like them.
And if they really come to do that...... I wonder if I'll die of ceaseless laughing or vomiting?

This revolting piece of story hasn't got off my mind since yesterday......
And I think it's going to stay in my mind forever until those mob finally receive the nemesis that they deserve from God.
A little quote of the day, "A mob is the scum that rises upmost when the nation boils".
And for such scum, they do not deserve even a place known as hell.
I personally think that they should better stay forever in their own stupidity, the ultimate stupidity of numbers, for one day in the very near future, they're all going to meet their own demise and bid farewell to our civilisation.

Story Never Ends......

原来真的过了好久好久......

已经近一个月没有写些什么的了，实在不想重蹈覆辙，又再荒废这个BLOG......

原来上一次把心情记录下来，是那么久的事了......

这段时间不长却也不短，发生的事情不大却也不小——

至少它们在我心中，所占的位置是十分地重要吧......

不由自主地泪就开始想缓缓流下，种种回忆也不断地涌现。

与你有关的一切一切，我都牢牢地记住了，记忆清晰得仿佛我还是身处那生命中最美好的年华，不曾离你而去。

那是多么地刻骨铭心呀...我想不会有谁了解，但其实也没这个必要。

之前我可是比现在更悲伤忧愁千万倍呢，

以为你的篇章就要从此划下句号。

时间就这样慢慢地溜走......

它虽带走了我永远回不去的昨天，却同时施予我心灵最大的安慰。

我就知道...我很久很久以前就知道......

你不是那种任由时光抹去回忆的人...

真的很高兴又感动得不能自已...我何德何能得以享有这种幸福......

即使只是久久...久久一次的“别来无恙？”，

还是那仿佛跨越几个世纪的一面容颜，

我都小心翼翼地收藏在心底最深处，不会有谁知道，也不会有消逝的那一天。

在时光流逝的错觉前，我真的曾经以为你会就此成为我生命里最美好的一抹魅影。

可原来我是那么地有能耐...

在不知不觉中我的意愿原来已是那么地坚不可摧...

我牵挂的这道风景原来已是如此不可磨灭。

不求什么，也不应要求什么......

即使在很久很久以后，即使记忆真的被残酷的时光摧残得不可辨认，只希望你想起我的时候，脸上可以掠过那么一丝的微笑。

就这样直到永远吧......

Impromptu Murmur

Tragedy we are, who always believe in rumour-mongers.
Result will only be released on 23rd...
What kind of mixed feeling is this?
I'm actually kinda happy!!! But of course along with worries and anxiety.
So the delayed announcement indicates the prolongation of my relaxing days,
still 2 more weeks to be totally laid-back,
and after that, perhaps things are going to become normal again.
No more routine checking for FB updates right after bathing every morning...
No more historical books, novels, newspapers or any reading anytime as I wish so...
No more late-night online chatting and exploration of interesting stuff...
It's like a dream...... because it probably comes only once into my life,
the invaluable transitional period to really ponder on life,
in an extraordinary way.
For the next time it happens to come again... perhaps after retirement?
Ah and I doubt if I ever have the chance to do so as according to some of the greatest prophecies, every human being on Earth, will be at world's end by the end of 2012.
So I'm only 19 by that time, hmmmmmm what a pity...
EURO would have just called its prettiest end in Poland & Ukraine,
and Brazil would stamp in anger for burning $11++ billions on its national religion.

What a bad habit to always inadvertently murmur...
I think it's because such chances would decrease drastically after receiving my final judgement...
Am I afraid? I am... I am not...
In my prayers I beseech God to give me strength to pull through this...
I just wanna live out my own way... at least I don't think my will would lead me to the demise.

I Miss You

Since when... you're not here to stay?
Oh my... how time does fly...
You're everywhere down my memory lane...
But I can't see you every day, every second,
so I chose my heart as a place to keep you safe.

I never forget that special name,
how could I get you out of my mind?
But I'm not allowed to go on this way...
For this is the sin which'll always remain forbidden,
so I tried to erase you slowly from my life.

Ah! And there you came...
Without any omen for the presence.
I could hardly believe my ears during that moment.
It's you! It's you!
I know... I always know...
You're always there...
Ah... even loving you costs me a death...
Let it be...... it's just death...

May it be good or bad, I have no regrets

For less than 2weeks it should be my final judgement day.
If my intuition doesn't go wrong this time, exactly a week from now, at this very moment, I should've grabbed my result slip tightly, either with the brightest smile ever or tears rolling down cheek.
The end will be clear and indisputable.
I have no right and power to question on it or to change it.
And may it be the remarkable moment for me to stand high on peak of glory... or the darkest moment for me to stay out of public sight as a shameful loser,
destiny has already sketched that path for me, and I'm obliged to travel on it.

Have been living days without worries for two and a half months,
I can sum such lifestyle up in a few words- relaxing, peaceful and aimless.
Relaxing as there's no packed schedule for each day that is coming... and sometimes schedule is not in need at all.
Peaceful as I don't have to worry for stacks of homework and intimidating exams anymore... they've belonged to my past since the day I bid farewell to school life.
But aimless as goals seem to have vanished from my days... I've used to the daily treadmill, without any certain goal which needs to be achieved.
Waiting for Godot? No, I'm not.
People like to ask me if sitting at home to do nothing instead of "finding a part-time job which'll help you to gain experience for your life afterwards" is a sensible choice??
And for every time I reply, I hold no doubt and tell them, "SURE".
It's actually all up to us whether to manage our own time purposefully or simply let it sneak away, isn't it?
I can't remember the times people around grumbling or lamenting over their "loss" financially as well as mentally just simply because they didn't get themselves into working.
So to go on working is the ultimate and compulsory option for every "postgrad" from high school like us huh?
What a big joke.
There's a term known as self-enrichment.

Though I've spent most of the time solely at home for the past 2months,
I never feel that my life is meaningless.
You see... I've gone through all the trials in order to get my driving licence so that I can finally drive on road legally,
I could finally finish the books which I had never got free time to look at before the final exam,
look through photos, videos and any other evidence to reminisce the good old days in school...
And my effort to improve English leads to positive outcome, by leaps and bounds!
I've made new friends... quite a number! It feels good to talk to new people and explore the world beyond my horizon.
And I've learnt that farewell doesn't necessarily mark the end... we are still who we are, nothing changes for us :')

I have no regrets for what I've done and what I'll be facing tomorrows.
Be it the most glorious moment or the most painful elimination in my life,
I've vowed to accept them as a part of my journey.
Because I've come a long way......

Facebook Abuses

Facebook has been one of the thrills which has kept me in enthusiasm for quite a long time.
When I first came to FB, it just seemed like another boring and mundane social website (Friendster etc.) to me.
And I guess when I started to discover the mystical flair within itself,
waves and buzz were going all around the world,
and since then Facebook was crowned the indisputable ruler of this cyber empire for the first decade of 21th century.

I reckon that Facebook has literally made our virtual network more lively and vivid as compared to the past decades,
but there're just some weird phenomenons which I can never fathom out,
and to me, they are sometimes unreasonable and annoying.
The following results are merely based on my personal observations and interpretations confined to my region, they might not be (or probably won't be) true globally.

First of all, relationship abuse.
The scene of an endless list of sisS, broS, dadS, mumS, relationship partnerS etc. fills me with disgust.
Why? The reason is utterly simple.
It is acceptable if people choose to list out their real kin prior to these so-called family members.
But what we see is the opposite type of fact.
Interactions between real siblings aren't as much as the "so-called siblings", not to mention parents and children!
Ah and I doubt if those people are willing to add their parents as friends?
I can't cease sneering every time stumbling across pages which require me to scroll down painstakingly just to get rid of the annoying family trees as fast as possible.

The upcoming one, comments abuse.
I wasn't used to realise that comments could become an abuse,
but I understand much more now after being one of the victims for a few times.
It isn't considered a severe crime but, it annoys.
For instance, a person has just posted a new status, of which expressed his thought on life philosophy.
Then there comes an ignorant fella who instantly comments on this meaningful post:
"Come'on let's hang out this weekend I'm sooooooooooooooooo bored at home!!!!"
MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sure that he'll be doomed in his stupidity sooner or later.
Second case will be, a couple of ignorant fellas start chatting in their own personal universe after leaving comments.
It's all about digressions.
And you should become aware that they choose to chat in other's status site, instead of private chat room!!!!!!
Why are there always some people who are dreadfully lack of common sense that I'm too lazy or fatigued to criticise at,
don't they get annoyed to see 10++/100++ notifications just to realise that these are all junk attributed to conversations between two idiots who have no idea where the chat room is located, or simply mistake "comments sections" as "chatting sections"?

The last one is actually sort of trivia but I occasionally have a bad feeling towards it.
Likes abuse.
As all facebook-ers are familiar with, the tiny "like" button shows that you like (as literally), support or agree with a statement, picture, video etc..
I recently found out that some people will just click every single "like" for every single post that comes into their sight.
At first, I just thought that it was a form of "recognition".
But soon, I learnt that this is actually known as abuse.
Those specific "likes" originated from the specific people downgrade the content of my posts, making them superficial albeit they aren't.
Hmm...... I wonder if Mark should introduce a "delete" feature for "like" too just as for comments in the future??

Dreams......

"I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
......
But there are dreams that cannot be
And there are storms we cannot weather
......
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed"


"There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe"


These are my all-time favourite lyrics, just to name two.
Meaningful, inspirational and heart-touching.
Hopes are created within those powerful lines, and the cruelty of reality seems to be outshone by the light of hopes.
But does real life approve that...... I do wonder, I can't cease wondering.
I'm totally torn apart between dreams and reality.
And I guess nothing is going to change anything except my own will.
I'm not sure if my decision could bear me a bright future as desired by anyone else in this universe,
and even though it isn't going to,
at least I don't betray my heart and I don't kill my own dreams.
Exceptional cases are always there and they don't usually come up as there aren't many people who're willing to make attempts, or more precisely, to take the risk.
And in fact I always hold the notion that if you pursue your own dreams with all the courage you could ever muster,
you'll be a miracle yourself.
Being one who believes in miracle so much, I should be able to defend my belief in life as well......


A tribute to Robert Frost, his workpiece The Road Not Taken which has left profound impact on me... my everything

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I......
Could I take the one less traveled by?

Some random statements that make me sad

1) I can't help but smile when we talk...You just make me happy
Things have changed since the moment I couldn't stay around you as usual as I was used to... How hard it is to look for you and just to ask that "Is anything alright recently?"... But for the last time I saw you I smiled brightly and how happy I was for the entire day, as always as I do.

2) I love it when I see you... you brighten up my day
The contradiction of loving you has been a part of my life since that one moment in my life. But for the smiles you've shown... it'll be the most vivid and evocative memory ever to me... that makes my day always :')

3) I love it when someone you miss randomly text you
Miracle happened, for only once in my life. And that was something which really touched my heart deeply and injected an almost permanent stimulant into my soul. I read those little messages over and over and over again... until I cried over and over and over again in absence of you.

4) I hate it when I get a text and it's not from whom I want it to be
This stabs deeply into my heart... Yeah I always know how silly I am to hope that someday you would just send me a message to wish me well... or ask if I'm doing well up here in the new kind of life... And all of these fantasies will never come true as my heartbeats accelerates while message alerts strike my mind, and the excitement fades away immediately afterwards just because it isn't from the only one whom I want it to be.

Single Aristocrat

I proudly proclaim myself as a single aristocrat for now and forever in my life.

Well this idea may not last long just like any other decision I've made in the past,

as things always turned out to be better than my expectation before they actually came true.

Tear after tear over my upcoming graduation from high school for the very last school month,

and now I'm trying to express my calmness afterwards in front of the computer with a wry smile on my face.

I thought my days would be doomed with his figure remains a past tense in my life,

yeah that was true for the beginning, I felt empty.

But I recently discovered that I haven't thought of him for a pretty long while,

my mind is filled up with the new charm, new people, new hopes and I believe that there're more to come.

Life is indeed always full of uncertainties!

I can really convince myself that I finally understand that memories are to be lived but not to live in...

People come and go and there's nothing we can do to stop that if they're bound to leave, by mean of destiny.

I'm not going to weep in solace anymore... 

Crying over a reality which'll always remain a reality is an act of trampling on youth.... and life!

Why do we love if it never lasts...... 

Why do I have to seal my heart for someone who'll never know that, and can never requite that...

But still my notion that I shall be crowned the single aristocrat throughout this lifespan remains steadfast...

I'm just...... feeling not necessary to end single days as there're so much for me to explore around the world...

After all I don't reject love... it does fancy me and I can't deny the power of its temptation.

Hmm... I guess this is just the other contradiction.

Have used to fall into them and climb up painstakingly with scars all over my soul and mind...

Thank God for creating a path ahead with the positive and negative sides arranged alternately,

or else I'd have succumbed to the cruel rules of this miserable life?

Nah......... this is not the Oscar I've known since time memorial ;)

I promise to continue defending my single life until...

perhaps one day in the very very far future,

God will send a right messenger to perform my devolution for that lovely title ;)

Happy Rabbit New Year

It's going to be a year ruled by every single rabbit in this universe.

Yes. The Year Of Rabbit has finally come...

For less than 10hours from now, we're going to wish everyone Happy Chinese New Year!

Years come and go just like that... 

and I have to sigh over the cruel reality that time sneaks away just like that.

Am I being too pessimistic?

YEAH and sometimes get too sentimental about the past.

Still I can't change this fact as this is the way how I really am,

though I struggle at times, but such contradictions do help me a lot in order to discover more about myself,

and also to grow up more in face of  LIFE.

No matter how this is the season of joy and warmth so there's no doubt that all of us will just indulge in the harmonious ambience of CNY...

A time for family and friends' gathering,

especially those who've gone far away from us on their ways...

Hence this might be the only opportunity to meet and reminisce about the golden old days...

Just like other festivals around the world...

CNY creates hope for the future among people because it somehow indicates another new beginning for us...

Thus my greatest hope in this Rabbit Year is that peace will arrive in time.

No more riot, rebellion or war in any form in all corners of the world...

Let our civilisation culture continue to prosper and let all human beings live in peace.

Happy Chinese New Year and may peace be with us always...

Little Hope

New Year is just less than a week from now onwards......

How time does fly!!

It's another CNY again...

A year ago right now, I was still in high school... 

kept praying that 2010 would be another great year...

Yeah and my wishes all came true eventually, 

it wasn't only better than every past year,

and even turned out to be an awesome one.

Have come a long way through 2010...

There are so much unforgettable moments within it that I fail to mention all,

yet deep down my heart none of them has ever been forgotten or erased away.

I shall forget no one especially some people who have left profound impact on my life ever after.

If it wasn't them staying together with me through thick and thin,

I wouldn't have risen from the ashes and transformed into a phoenix...

A big THANK YOU from me sincerely...

to everyone who has contributed much in my perfect 2010...

It's my little hope to have your company and guidance in this 2011,

so that we'll continue to prosper altogether in all ways...... ;) 

Another New Oath

The main reasons that I failed to maintain my blog and also to sustain its life are:
1) I easily become weary of something new soon, after quite a period of enthusiasm (which is actually not a good phenomenon if I seem too excited at the first try)
2) I have no audiences (but this is really weird, isn't blog=diary=private stuff?? I have a friend once being asked if he wanna give blogging a try, and he answered: "Why don't just write in a diary?" A profound statement, huh?)
3) Things turn more interesting when more people are involved, and in this case I'm being a loner, because most people around me are either too lazy to start blogging or they cringe because of their language expression skill (though there are some very awesome bloggers which I've met, but mainly from different lands)

And again... this time... perhaps the last time...
'm going to make sure this blog does survive through thick and thin...
Since I found that I am in dire need of a free space for me to speak out my mind,
from future to humanity to daily grumbling to any trivia,
I am ready to face the challenges!!!
And perhaps one day I could discover more funs from blogging as there're people following my site actually :)
And hence new friends come to me!!!
Yeah I'm always ready for a new friendship especially such kind ;)
Because it's just as special as me :P (hehehe)

Hello my 4th blog (quite embarrassed to announce it but this keeps me alert so that I won't abandon it and have the 5th some days afterwards :P)
Let's work together for the every coming days~!!!

Brainless, I'd Say

Here's a story which I just heard last night:
A guy, well in this case preferably referred to as a BOY,
has decided to forget about his crush after quite some years.

He had been taking a long long while,
painstakingly making some sort of futile attempts to accomplish this mission.
I'd use the word "futile" because I never cease wondering if he has ever tried to let her go off his mind?
Or in contrast,
IS HE REALLY MAD IN LOVE WITH HER???
Well needless to say, an unrequited love though.

Now the main point will be this, which serves my NO.1 purpose of this post:
The way he uses to achieve this goal.
You know what??
The most foolish thing I've known for a while......
He DELETED the girl from his Facebook friend list.
OH GOSH, sounds cute right?
And this is the so-called determined and effective attempt!!!
I just couldn't figure out any comment at all during that startling moment.

Brainless, I'd say.