回归

最近又开始夜生活了。会累吗？我得逼自己适应，别无他法。

拿破仑日理万机，一天只睡三个小时。

如此枭雄，其肩上重任绝非泛泛之辈所可以扛下。

每当我觉得自己很累，睡太少，要再去睡的时候，我都会告诫自己：

我睡眠的时间会比他短么？和他相比我的这点辛苦算得了什么？

如果有得选择，我也想要天天可以不间断地，无忧无虑地睡足八小时。

但是我不能，我不想再输了。

我恨死了那种完全被漠视，自尊在无形中被砸烂破碎一地，将视你为可有可无的大众脸的感觉——

每一句赞美，每一声掌声，我都看在眼里听在耳里——

很可笑吧？它们不属于我。不能说不曾，但问有几回？不值一提。

讽刺。轻蔑。不甘。愤懑。

我曾经试过努力无视这一切，自己继续默默耕耘就好，且看我在战场上如何驰骋杀敌。

近一年后，我领取了SPM之后的第一张考试成绩单。

全A。照理来说，很漂亮的成绩，或至少我以为那很值得骄傲——那一刹那，我真的很高兴。

下一秒，我的尊严轰然倒塌。

这种比上远远不足的成绩，我不会因为它比下有余而欢欣。

脑海中第一个浮现的字眼，是耻辱。

一战成名的不是我。在这场战役中，我充其量只能算是二流角色。一个彻头彻尾的失败者。

愤怒胜于悲伤。我的怒火自此以后燃烧到了顶点。

扪心自问，与初战中的大赢家相比，我的确远远不及他们拼命、愚勤、恐怖。

那种人的生活，我发誓这一辈子绝不会这么过。

再苦、再累，我也毫无怨言，皆因挫败带来的一切后果，远远让我伤痛。

我鄙视这种皓首穷经的读书人。以前是，现在是，将来也是。

正因如此我更坚决以自己一贯的步伐开疆辟土。

只要活着一天，我就决不容许这种随波逐流的事件发生。

士可杀，不可辱。

我无时无刻都在提醒自己，宁可耗尽全力以后失败，也不愿以迷失自我换取功名。

时间会证明一切。我深信我所坚持的原则与信念，不会牵引我走上成功以外的道路。

历史正等待着王者归来。

消逝的友情

今天重新开垦这片被荒废许久的园地，掀开属于2012年的新篇章。
值得一提的是，这并非心血来潮，而是累积了许久的思绪与心情无处宣泄。在绝望中，我瞥见了这一丝曙光。
曾经在Facebook读过一篇转载的文章，内容是关于消逝的友情。
里面形容的细节，随着时间的推移，我觉得它们逐渐发生在我身上。

“你有多久没和朋友互发短信聊天了？”——

曾几何时，手机的短信铃声几乎每天都会响起，几乎每天指头都必须飞舞键盘间；或下午，或夜晚，sms是朋友之间的最佳消遣。
现在呢？最近一次和好友以短信聊天，要把quality算进去吗？如果不算，那也是一两个月的光景了；若也要论品质呢？应该是上个世纪的事吧？不像有些人，手机的信箱永远是空的，我的习惯是：重要且有意义的信息，通常都会保留。因此信箱里的信件，在过去无聊烦闷时，都能有效地调剂我的心情。
但是我已经很久很久不想那么做了。我渐渐发现有时在人潮中深感形单影只时，唯一的出路只有望着地板或远处发呆——这些数量、内容相同的信息，我已经重复看了好多好多遍，看着看着有些都会背了——整个过程，循环了许久，没有任何突破的惊艳。

那些日期，永远定格在毕业的分叉路口以前；那些内容，只限于分离以前大家共同的闲话家常。

就读下午班的时候，你能想像吗？在那个JARING/ TM NET还是王道的年代，Internet的速度能有多快可想而知。可我们这些白痴竟然能相约早上七点起身，就只不过是为了MSN =.=！！Chat的内容很废又很无聊，无非是胡扯些鸡毛蒜皮的八卦新闻，再不然就是share一大堆chat icons/ animations，而且每次一谈，就是一两个小时的事。
现在回想起来，当时的我们的确很傻很天真，但这么一种特别的回忆，已经随着时光的流逝而升华成为永恒。
而今科技一日千里，当年的技术早已无从攀比。网络和Facebook普遍得不过就像是空气，你以为朋友之间的感情会因此而更加坚不可摧么？错！！！每一晚，Chat Box有很多头像亮着灯。请你仔细一看，有多少个愿意陪你真心畅谈？好多次了，我认为可以像从前那样无所不谈的人们，以毫不掩饰的敷衍回应。这不会令我欲言又止，因为我什么都不想说了。

再多的热情，总有一天会被冷水泼洒至完全熄灭。

四月了，我又无可避免地想起毕业已是将近一年半的事了。曾经每逢佳节纪念日，我都会发短信给要好的朋友，毕竟毕业后我们无法日日相聚一堂，我不希望友情会因为这样而褪色，所以才想以简单但真诚的祝福捎上久违的问候，愿大家生活安康。放假时，尽可能把有空的朋友们都约出来见面，不管是一起吃喝玩乐、彼此分享新生活的故事、共同回忆灿烂的昨天…我曾经认为，这是一个很有凝聚力的联络途径。友谊永固不是梦。

但我再也不会那么做了。诚如我所说，这段日子以来，我努力地和时间与距离搏斗，企图维系人与人之间的感情。我绝对不敢说自己奉献牺牲付出了许多，但我肯定的是我很珍惜这任何一段珍贵无比的友情。因为重视你们，我才会比那些独来独往的人们多一份友谊的牵挂。因为一直尝试以各种方法和大家保持联系，我才会比那些不把朋友当一回事的人们疲累伤神。可是我想我真的错了……因为事实证明了我所做的一切只会造成事与愿违。
是啊，我们都很忙，不断地加紧脚步跟上新生活的步伐。但难道就因为我愿意花一丁点时间在经营友情上，就代表我很得空吗？我忙碌、苦闷到流泪和发牢骚的感觉都忘了的时候，会有谁知道？

当然不会有，因为大家都很忙。

正因如此，什么节日短信、生活祝福，我都不想再一一转发了，免得再次落得个石沉大海的下场、抑或收到“哈哈～谢谢～”这种客套得令人心寒的回复。
Facebook开着放着就好，我不会自讨没趣地强迫你们陪我聊天或回复comment、听我诉说生活中的喜怒哀乐——这一切真的会为你们带来很大的困扰。
倘若有其他人想办gathering或相约见面什么的，就告诉我一声吧，我一定会尽量配合。只是如果要我再当发起人，恐怕这次真的不行了。我想我找不到任何动力继续扮演这个吃力不讨好的角色了。很好奇，如果我什么都不做，什么都不说，在你们之间，会不会有这股联谊的意愿？会不会想把久违的朋友都挖出来聚集在一起？是天方夜谭吗？是痴人梦话么？可能我太高估自己了，其实你们一定会那么做，只是没有我的参与而已。

我真的很累了。
从离开校园的那一刻起，我想自此以后我就注定只能一个人走下去。
我知道过去比当下精彩，证明现阶段的人生很失败。无奈事实就是如此，不由得我不承认，况且我也没有什么理由掩饰。
新生活开始以后，我没有试过在难过失意的时候找到一个可以倾诉的对象。新朋友不是没有，但那种感觉、相处模式和你们不一样。

尽管你们在我心中永远无可取代——

但世间所有的定律，全都败给了无常。

Sorrows Underneath

Finally I'm on holidays again... after a few months, without realising it.

Surprisingly this holiday hasn't injected much excitement, thrill and joy into me, as how I had been expecting long before this.

There are several reasons I suppose, for the first it must be the coming exam in January which bounds to keep me busy revising works throughout the whole holidays. I must do so because I still wanna enjoy my Chinese New Year later without any regret for messing up the entire exam.

For the next let's not forget about my horrible nightmare- I was hobbling to reach this new place half a year ago, and yet I had been too reluctant to wake up to face the reality. And recently I ended up being struck by all the repercussions caused by my own ignorance.

My life welcomed a totally new page as everything would start all over again from zero. It was in my expectation and there was no reason for any sane one to reject it. But I must admit that it seems so tough, so tough that for the first time I realise that sometimes in real life ceaseless endeavours do not necessarily bear fruit. Maybe I have not been as hardworking as others? I know I was wrong back then but what I'm trying to express is I do feel dejected and sorrowful- seeing others excelling in contrast to my complete fiasco.

There have been so many times- after getting my paper back, when I was just about to smile and grasp a little self-satisfaction brought by my achievement, others' even better grades would just always outshine me ruthlessly. My self-confidence would then shatter into million pieces. Constant failure is enough to demoralise anybody. I will not give up in this stiff competition, but for every time I fight back, I find out that my limit of stupidity is never predictable, and this ironic truth is seriously so disheartening- for I always believe that there can be miracles when you believe.

As time passes I think I have finally managed to adapt to this new phase of life, in a good sense :)

Memories are to be lived but not to live in. I can't remember how many times I told myself about this whenever melancholy of not being able to revive the past seized me.

Thank God it finally ends. I guess this is the best way to live out the present because with my current pace I won't be able to be that carefree until I can reminisce about the past daily. Due to this fact to a certain extent I feel relief because at least I'm now leading a contented life- when I do not need to look at my past.

Also friendship plays a big part in brightening up my days. I sincerely feel really grateful of being able to meet a group of people who are of the same "frequency" with me XP

Those who could joke and cheer and whisper and gossip with me when we're all free... XD

And I must say that some of them really make me comfortable whenever they're around. Although it's just half a year, I don't know why, somehow their friendships mean a lot to me, even more important than some acquaintances whom I've known for so many years.

By the way, a heartbreak in friendship ambushed me just a few months ago, and till now, it still sounds like a dream to me- perhaps because I wished that it wasn't true.

That fateful day taught me a lot of things, of which I would never believe that they are indisputably true- until I saw everything, with my own eyes.

I once regretted for being chosen to know the cruel truth. I'd rather not to know anything, just let us be who we are, no different from the beginning until now.

But I can't do that. For all the things done by that particular person, my reverence for an honourable icon who was used to provide spiritual enlightenment in my life; who was used to inspire me in order to transcend the cultural barrier in my life...

 I feel so sorry about this, but I can't cheat myself- I have really used up my respect to him.

How on earth I'm going to tell the world? That I've been in a dilemma I'll never wish to face- to treat if nothing has ever happened and continue this friendship, or to walk away and call it an end?

Predestined...

Unknown

悠悠晃晃，又是一年了。
回顾2011年，总觉得没有多少令我刻骨铭心的回忆。
思前想后，比较像样的成就，无非就是取得了那张带领我搭上人生的另一班列车的票根——然而说到底，还不过就是那一纸文凭。
而在如今看来，我的这一张入场券，也不过属于用后即丢的一次性用品。

猛然醒悟自己在虚无的巅峰上活了十八年。
长久以来都驻守那弹丸之地，不曾深深怀疑及否定过自我存在的价值，一直都认为自己的实力及潜力无可限量——只要我愿意肯定。
在众人的赞叹及崇拜当中游刃有余，习惯了承当替人解答的角色…我真的相信自己的人生会如此一帆风顺下去——只要我愿意努力。
此时此刻，我真的觉得当时那个被狭隘的“自我”所束缚、把自己的地盘以外的世界想得太简单的我，实在是狂傲、蠢钝、悲哀至极。

踏足另一片土地以后，“昔日的我”就注定要经历“脱胎换骨”的艰辛过程。
虽然从选择这一条路的那一刻起，我就不断地告诉自己这将会是一个崭新的命运漩涡，一定要做好“一切从零开始”的心理准备。
我认为我真的做好了心理准备，没想到我的功夫在无常多变的现实面前是那么地微不足道。
自此以后，各种“第一次”接踵而来：第一次体验不断当大众脸的滋味；第一次活在众高手的影子下；第一次了解到自己引以为荣的“成就”不过是为了衬托其他更耀眼的功名而生；第一次无法突破扮演发问者的死角……

突然觉得往日那个有资格笑傲群雄的我是多么地高不可攀了。
突然发现那一切令我引以为傲的荣耀早已泯灭在遥不可及的从前。

我不知道哪里有我容身之处。
我只知道我是个渺小的人，渺小得看不清未来也无法回望昨天。
我心永恒，但前方路茫茫……

Forever...

A month flew by... I was on my way to Tangkak, Johor right now, back then.

That was an unexpected trip, why do I call it 'unexpected'? Because no one could expect somebody as in my shoes to head for that 'third class choice'.

But somehow I still went on.

And secretly, I should have known what keeps me down here.

Time is really out of my control since 2011......

Everything seems different- there're changes everyday, everywhere that I just gotta accept them as a fact.

I couldn't fathom...... I'm still being trapped down my memory lane.

Ah...... why are you unsatisfied still? Isn't that getting such treats that you do not deserve... should be able to keep you grateful forever?

I never deny... it'll cause me too heartsick to deny...

But how shall I describe... the sin.

From the moment I chose to go on this forbidden path... I should have been meticulous enough to drive myself balanced...

But I fell too deep... and sick...

Regrets? They'd be if I never met you in my life.

Years have passed by... My heart, my faith and I myself am still the same-

I never set my eyes on others as long as time is still flowing silently...

You might forget me one day but my promise will keep you in my heart and mind always...

For this is a promise I've made since time memorial, it'll accompany me until the end...