Sorrows Underneath

Finally I'm on holidays again... after a few months, without realising it.

Surprisingly this holiday hasn't injected much excitement, thrill and joy into me, as how I had been expecting long before this.

There are several reasons I suppose, for the first it must be the coming exam in January which bounds to keep me busy revising works throughout the whole holidays. I must do so because I still wanna enjoy my Chinese New Year later without any regret for messing up the entire exam.

For the next let's not forget about my horrible nightmare- I was hobbling to reach this new place half a year ago, and yet I had been too reluctant to wake up to face the reality. And recently I ended up being struck by all the repercussions caused by my own ignorance.

My life welcomed a totally new page as everything would start all over again from zero. It was in my expectation and there was no reason for any sane one to reject it. But I must admit that it seems so tough, so tough that for the first time I realise that sometimes in real life ceaseless endeavours do not necessarily bear fruit. Maybe I have not been as hardworking as others? I know I was wrong back then but what I'm trying to express is I do feel dejected and sorrowful- seeing others excelling in contrast to my complete fiasco.

There have been so many times- after getting my paper back, when I was just about to smile and grasp a little self-satisfaction brought by my achievement, others' even better grades would just always outshine me ruthlessly. My self-confidence would then shatter into million pieces. Constant failure is enough to demoralise anybody. I will not give up in this stiff competition, but for every time I fight back, I find out that my limit of stupidity is never predictable, and this ironic truth is seriously so disheartening- for I always believe that there can be miracles when you believe.

As time passes I think I have finally managed to adapt to this new phase of life, in a good sense :)

Memories are to be lived but not to live in. I can't remember how many times I told myself about this whenever melancholy of not being able to revive the past seized me.

Thank God it finally ends. I guess this is the best way to live out the present because with my current pace I won't be able to be that carefree until I can reminisce about the past daily. Due to this fact to a certain extent I feel relief because at least I'm now leading a contented life- when I do not need to look at my past.

Also friendship plays a big part in brightening up my days. I sincerely feel really grateful of being able to meet a group of people who are of the same "frequency" with me XP

Those who could joke and cheer and whisper and gossip with me when we're all free... XD

And I must say that some of them really make me comfortable whenever they're around. Although it's just half a year, I don't know why, somehow their friendships mean a lot to me, even more important than some acquaintances whom I've known for so many years.

By the way, a heartbreak in friendship ambushed me just a few months ago, and till now, it still sounds like a dream to me- perhaps because I wished that it wasn't true.

That fateful day taught me a lot of things, of which I would never believe that they are indisputably true- until I saw everything, with my own eyes.

I once regretted for being chosen to know the cruel truth. I'd rather not to know anything, just let us be who we are, no different from the beginning until now.

But I can't do that. For all the things done by that particular person, my reverence for an honourable icon who was used to provide spiritual enlightenment in my life; who was used to inspire me in order to transcend the cultural barrier in my life...

 I feel so sorry about this, but I can't cheat myself- I have really used up my respect to him.

How on earth I'm going to tell the world? That I've been in a dilemma I'll never wish to face- to treat if nothing has ever happened and continue this friendship, or to walk away and call it an end?

Predestined...

Unknown

悠悠晃晃，又是一年了。
回顾2011年，总觉得没有多少令我刻骨铭心的回忆。
思前想后，比较像样的成就，无非就是取得了那张带领我搭上人生的另一班列车的票根——然而说到底，还不过就是那一纸文凭。
而在如今看来，我的这一张入场券，也不过属于用后即丢的一次性用品。

猛然醒悟自己在虚无的巅峰上活了十八年。
长久以来都驻守那弹丸之地，不曾深深怀疑及否定过自我存在的价值，一直都认为自己的实力及潜力无可限量——只要我愿意肯定。
在众人的赞叹及崇拜当中游刃有余，习惯了承当替人解答的角色…我真的相信自己的人生会如此一帆风顺下去——只要我愿意努力。
此时此刻，我真的觉得当时那个被狭隘的“自我”所束缚、把自己的地盘以外的世界想得太简单的我，实在是狂傲、蠢钝、悲哀至极。

踏足另一片土地以后，“昔日的我”就注定要经历“脱胎换骨”的艰辛过程。
虽然从选择这一条路的那一刻起，我就不断地告诉自己这将会是一个崭新的命运漩涡，一定要做好“一切从零开始”的心理准备。
我认为我真的做好了心理准备，没想到我的功夫在无常多变的现实面前是那么地微不足道。
自此以后，各种“第一次”接踵而来：第一次体验不断当大众脸的滋味；第一次活在众高手的影子下；第一次了解到自己引以为荣的“成就”不过是为了衬托其他更耀眼的功名而生；第一次无法突破扮演发问者的死角……

突然觉得往日那个有资格笑傲群雄的我是多么地高不可攀了。
突然发现那一切令我引以为傲的荣耀早已泯灭在遥不可及的从前。

我不知道哪里有我容身之处。
我只知道我是个渺小的人，渺小得看不清未来也无法回望昨天。
我心永恒，但前方路茫茫……

Forever...

A month flew by... I was on my way to Tangkak, Johor right now, back then.

That was an unexpected trip, why do I call it 'unexpected'? Because no one could expect somebody as in my shoes to head for that 'third class choice'.

But somehow I still went on.

And secretly, I should have known what keeps me down here.

Time is really out of my control since 2011......

Everything seems different- there're changes everyday, everywhere that I just gotta accept them as a fact.

I couldn't fathom...... I'm still being trapped down my memory lane.

Ah...... why are you unsatisfied still? Isn't that getting such treats that you do not deserve... should be able to keep you grateful forever?

I never deny... it'll cause me too heartsick to deny...

But how shall I describe... the sin.

From the moment I chose to go on this forbidden path... I should have been meticulous enough to drive myself balanced...

But I fell too deep... and sick...

Regrets? They'd be if I never met you in my life.

Years have passed by... My heart, my faith and I myself am still the same-

I never set my eyes on others as long as time is still flowing silently...

You might forget me one day but my promise will keep you in my heart and mind always...

For this is a promise I've made since time memorial, it'll accompany me until the end...

半年……

弹指瞬间……半年翩翩而过。
这是平淡无华的一年……
没有你我之间层出不穷的趣事、不再闹哄哄地上课、少了日复一日不停“折磨”我们的功课和考试。
还是不怎么习惯……尤其是回溯“尘封已久”的记忆之时。
是不想去扰乱那清澈沉静的灵魂……
我不愿让过多世俗的牵挂及奢想玷污了这种种最唯美的回忆，
故不断地在过去与现在之间徘徊……
选择性地遗忘……记起……又遗忘……又记起……

在2011年里唯一让我感到喜悦的转变应该就是“人与人之间的相遇”了吧？
从虚无的网络世界……到JPA面试……再来最近刚刚逃离的KMJ，还真结交了不少来自五湖四海的兄弟^^
(水浒传色彩好浓……但愿能越来越有英雄气概……）
提起那个人间炼狱……走了地狱一回，对人生真的还有了另一番新的体会。
在那儿虽然身为少数分子，但在万人之中却受到“不符身份”的爱戴与招待。
不管是什么族群……总有好人与坏人。
我从来都不相信凭单一界线划分全人类的狭隘说法。
总而言之，那里的人都很友善，虽然凡事总会有例外，但大体上来说，他们还真的些许感动了我。
食物方面也算顶级的了（去除价钱算法的因素后）……
宿舍？还OK咯……总不能要求有酒店的水准吧……
但说到校规和教育系统！！！它们就是直接引爆本人大脑神经的地雷，因此我才会收拾包袱飞回居林……
（欲知更多详情可直接向本人查询XD）

怎么说都好……我还是在那儿待了两个星期……
这段时间说长不长说短也不短……竟然能够认识了一大班人呀~
而且不是全都是点头之交，有些的感觉上比和我同班了五年的人还FRIEND……真是奇怪……
但本人终究是个过客……
从一开始我就不像是属于那里的人……或许是心理上已经有了种“后路就在你脚下”的自我意识催眠吧。
和那里要说有缘又不像是……
是啊……我走了之后又有什么分别呢？
不多不少不增不减——宛如悄悄停下脚步歇息之后又擦肩而过。
过客，真的是过客。
应该不曾在那里留下任何的回忆……但这样很不正常，也很无情。
大家都还好吧？谁还记得曾经有过这个我？
或许只有那不停的脚步……

Doomsday 2012

每一天，都要活得像在这世上的最后一天，因为这样才不会留下遗憾。
该做的事，也会比较积极完成了；该说的话，也会比较勇敢表达了——因为若再拖延等待下去，就没有机会做了。

所以说呢，世界末日2012其实根本就不是什么坏事。
反之，我认为它分明就是上天赐予全人类的一大福音呀！
人们如此害怕末日来临，无非是害怕死亡与毁灭而已。
依我看来，这两者可谓是微不足道。
首先，死亡是大家的事，不分你我、种族、宗教、国籍、政见、贫富……可谓是空前绝后的全人类大团结！
再也没有比这更平等的事了，不是吗？
人人生来平等——当世界终于第一次真正地公平对待每一个人了，我们不是应该感到高兴才对吗？
终于从这无止尽的痛苦中解脱了，为什么我们要惶惶不可终日呢？

其次，毁灭也只不过是早晚的事。
试问世间万物有什么能永垂不朽？
英雄佳人？金银珠宝？功名成败？神话传奇？
终究都将泯灭在浩瀚史海中……
那么历史就能永垂不朽吗？
对不起，我忘了，我们这混沌的世界，还需要历史吗？
我们就是一个如此不文明的黑暗时代，莫让我们的邪恶无知玷污了史册的圣洁——让历史沉睡吧。
或许有些人想到自己多年来努力打拼、呕心沥血建立起来的成功人生就将毁于一旦，感到非常地不甘心。
但诚如我所说，又有什么能够永垂不朽呢？
若非世界末日，他日蒙主召唤之时，难道我们就带得走这一切吗？
还不是得撇下一切离去！
所以2012的降临，让大家一同、一同摒弃一切，就不会有什么担忧、嫉妒他人活在这世上的时间比自己长久的问题产生了。
因为这一切一切，怎会有放不下的那一天？

真的，期待2012末日的到来。
因为是它教会我们更积极完成心中所想、活出自己、不让这稍纵即逝的人生留下遗憾——即使有，也不过是那小小的、美丽的遗憾。